Ruby Falls in Tennessee. 

 11/3/2016

Hello!!

My name is Jenn.  I've toyed with starting a serious blog for a long time.  I've run around in my head thinking what could I contribute to the digital world that would make an impact?  I'm not an exciting person.  I tend to keep to myself.  I love to travel around to historical places to enrich my life, but lots of travelers blog about their adventures.  What is unique about me?  Well...I love art and I use it to keep my mental health balanced along with regular doctor visits and group therapy.  

I know you're asking yourself "OMG is this chick crazy?"  Nope nothing that exciting.  I was diagnosed officially, as an adult, with Severe Depression and ADHD.  Now these are VERY broad diagnosis' but it was a start to a long journey of fighting with myself to function in this life.  I struggled in school ever since I could remember with focusing on tasks given to me by teachers.  My grades were terrible but I excelled in the arts.  My art classed saved me from being the worst student ever.  (small exaggeration.)  I always loved parent/teacher conferences when they told my parents that "Jennifer is a very intelligent and creative young lady but she just doesn't apply herself."  I tried.  I tried really hard.  Staring at my books for hours on end while the print blurred all over the place and I would become angry and cry and have to give up because I couldn't focus.  I thought something was wrong with me and in fits of depression I would hate myself and bottle up till all I could do was explode and Lord help those that were in my way.  

The only time I felt relaxed and calm was when I was creating.  In grade school it was little doodles in my note books.  I have a little obsession with the eyes.  Trying to capture emotions in them.  I also drew ordered patterns which calmed the chaos in my head when I was feeling really anxious.  As I got older my doodles got a lot better.  I start creating little cartoons of Oranges dressed as the Terminator or Rambo.  A friend of mine and I had a fun time passing a notebook with different orange related characters and gave them silly names.  I took several ceramic classes in High School which was so much therapy from being bullied and struggling with myself.  Slapping the clay on the table and getting all the air bubbles out of it was brilliant.  Frustration flowed out of me and right in to that clay.  I tried to shape it into things that had a positive use with colors and shapes that I felt a million times better.  I never wanted to leave the studio.

After High school ended I got really lost.  I didn't have my daily outlet of art classes and I thought that if I joined the Navy I could discipline the anxiety right out of myself and show my parents that I can be "normal".  Well that went by the wayside when I tore up my ankle really badly and the Navy refused me.  I don't remember a lot after that because I was so far in my head and trying to escape myself that I pretty much self destructed in my own way.  

I fought with my parents constantly.  I was one of the few that did not get into drugs or drinking because I didn't have control over myself as it was.  I was actually scared of not having control.  I still am.  I hated the way drinking a lot made me feel.  I wanted to be respected for my intelligence.  I never was.  I did a lot of acting I guess because people thought I was pretty cool but in a dingy chick that liked loud music and guys with long hair kind of way.  I hated that part of my life more than anything.  I was so starved for someone to love me for being me that I stuffed every emotion possible into that dark place in my head and just went with it.  A lot really is a blur.  I hadn't really dated in school so I was pretty clueless on what love was.  I ended up meeting my ex-husband at a bar and we had two awesome kids.  but the relationship between us exploded around me because I had no clue what marriage was suppose to be like.

After having my daughter in 1994 I sunk so far into my own head that my ex cheated and I lost it completely.  Post Pardum Depression was so bad that my mom dragged me to the doctors kicking and screaming and that is when I as finally diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, and ADHD.  So much came together in my mind that now made sense.  Why I had a hard time being appropriately social with strangers, controlling my emotions, and keeping any kind of focus on the realities of life.  

I now work with my doctors to keep my medications up to date to correct the chemical imbalances in my brain.  I did one on one therapy and group therapy to talk out my feelings and emotions.  It has never been and entirely smooth ride.  I have a bad habit of going off my medication when I feel good because I think I'm cured.  I've had an attempted suicide, that brought me crashing to reality that this is not something that can just go away for me.  I have to be diligent and take my medication and  use my art when ever I can to work through my frustrations.  Relationships are still really tough.  My anxiety really can amp up because of the trust issues I built up when I was married.  I still struggle with my focus on tasks.  

So what does all this have to do with art as therapy.  Well I want to share with who ever reads these world the ideas I have and the ideas of actual art therapists to help you deal with your mental health struggles.  I'll be sharing links, art work, and conversations with those that have spend their lives dealing with me and my own mental health.  This is going to be part of my therapy.  Letting all those negative thoughts and emotions that I have all the time out to the world so I can work them out.  This is a very scary thing for me because I don't like to be judged.  (one of the many anxiety issues I deal with.)  I will not judge anyone who reads this and wants to share their own ideas, artistic, written, or voiced.  Please share with me I love to help and in turn you help me.  

Next post will be some art ideas, along with a few links to some therapy ideas that I've come across that you can do at home.